Quod Me Nutriet Me Destrut
by Rogue Angel2
Summary: Ben wasn't born crazy, he snapped along the way. This is a little story about how he crosses into darkness.
1. Chapter 1

"Quod Me Et Nutriet, Me Destrut"  
  
Disclaimer: Realistically, if I owned anything that had to do with Dark Angel, would I write fan fic? Yeah no. I'm just a college student with a creative mind. All names, titles, and characters pertaining to Dark Angel belong to Dark Angel. I own the storyline and character behaviors... if one can truly own action.  
  
Summery: Ben wasn't born crazy... love, possession, jealousy drove him there.  
  
Rating: R  
  
Note: Title comes from a tattoo Angelina Jolie has. Quod Me Et Nutriet, Me Destrut is Latin for What Nurtures Me is my Own Destruction. Pretty fitting.  
  
  
  
  
  
~Chapter 1 ~  
  
  
  
"Most kids had the tooth fairy, we had her." 2020, Max  
  
It's been five years since I've seen it last and I still think of it. If I was there right now, in this very instant, I would be listening to the hushed whispers of Max and Jondy as the rest of us try to sleep. We would be in the barracks, together. But I'm not there. I'm in New York. Alone. The chilly early December wind whips around me as I stand on top of the Empire State building. It used to be a tourist attraction. But then again, the world was different back then. It was as if she punished the country because we ran away.  
  
There's a noise behind me and I tense.  
  
"Sorry, I didn't know anyone was up here." A soft female's voice said from behind me.  
  
I know the voice so I turn, "Jondy?"  
  
The girl was a slightly taller than average thirteen year old, with bright blue eyes, and dirty blonde hair that came below her shoulders. Her clothes were well worn and she looked as if she hadn't eaten in a while. But her smile was bright and genuine when she saw me, "Ben."  
  
She ran over and threw her arms around me. I put my arms around her also and we hold each other for a long time. I soon feel a wetness on my shoulder and her slight frame is slightly shaking. "Are you ok?" I asked.  
  
"I'm so happy I found one of you." She said with small sobs.  
  
"Me too Jon."  
  
After a while we decide to go to get some food, I have some change on me so I offer to pay. When we walked into the diner the waitress saw us, two ragged looking teens, and she sat us down and gave us a free meal: two hamburgers, a large plate of fries, two cokes, and to top it off each of us got a slice of pie.  
  
Jondy ate greedily, somewhere in the middle of a mouthful she told me she hadn't eaten in three weeks. If she had been normal it would make her sick to eat as much or as fast as she did but she's not normal. Neither of us are.  
  
We finished eating and she lead me to her rat infested apartment, "It's not much but it's dry."  
  
"I don't have a place." I confessed.  
  
"Stay with me." She offered.  
  
I did. We stayed up late in the night and I told her stories until I feel asleep. Christmas came and neither of us had any money but she stole a necklace for me. A gold pendant with the Blue Lady on it. "So you don't loose faith." She said as she hugged me.  
  
No gift could have been better than that, I was loosing faith. I was a good soldier and so was Jondy but I couldn't tell if she was watching us anymore.  
  
I stole Jondy a jacket, not as great as the necklace because it was big on her. But she would grow into it. She loved it .  
  
Shortly after New Year's another X5 ended up in New York. Zack. He found Jondy and ordered her out of the city. She told me later that she protested and fought but she slipped that the two of them were together. Zack got mad and he made her show where I was.  
  
I would have been excited to see him, if he hadn't planned to send me away from her. But since he hadn't set up a place for me to go yet, he decided to give us a couple more weeks. He would call in 10 days and tell me where to go. He gave us both cell phones and left.  
  
There was a gloom over our house now. I prayed to her but the Blue Lady didn't answer my prayers.  
  
On the fifth day, as we waited for Zack, it was snowing outside and our weak little heater wasn't working. Jondy was sitting in a tank-top and shorts, sweating by the window. "Please can I open it? I'm really hot."  
  
"It's freezing outside."  
  
"But I'm hot." She whined.  
  
I got up from the cot that was our bed and moved to her. I touched her shoulder to console her and her skin felt like it was on fire. But I wasn't concerned with that. I started to realize how beautiful she was. How perfect she was. How much I wanted her. I stopped and took a step back.  
  
"Jondy what's wrong?" I asked but I couldn't take my eyes from her.  
  
She looked at me intensely, desire in her eyes. "He told me that I might go into heat someday... maybe that's what it is." She said and she moved closer to me.  
  
She leaned into me and then suddenly we were attacking each other's clothes and stripping each other naked in the freezing apartment. We managed to end up back on the cot. Her hot body laid below mine, "I've never done this." I confessed to her.  
  
"Neither have I." She said and she kissed me. "Don't worry Ben, it's our nature to do this."  
  
Somehow, I figured out what went where in the midst of the passion. It didn't last very long, both of us were young and inexperienced. It was really a blur to me. I know that I had bitten the skin between her neck and shoulder, I could see the bite mark. She had done the same to me, I could feel it.  
  
After it we couldn't look at each other for a little bit, both ashamed a little of what we had done. Why would the Blue Lady let me do that to her? To my little sister? But she let it happen three more times before Jondy stopped with her heat. After the second time she didn't move away from me. She laid by me while I slept.  
  
When she was done completely with the heat, we resumed our nervous impatience as we waited for Zack to separate us. But it was slightly awkward, hugging or touching would sometimes make her pull away. I wanted nothing more to protect her but there was a small fear in her.  
  
Zack called on the tenth day and told me where I was to move to. He was sending Jondy to Chicago and me to Santa Fe. He was trying to separate us. But he wasn't smart enough, the Lady was on my side. Jondy and I exchanged contact information. We may be on opposite sides of the country but we could still write or every once in a while call each other.  
  
"If I go into heat again... can I come to you?" She asked as she was about to board the bus to Chicago.  
  
"Of course." I insisted, trying not to sound eager but I was. Since we slept together I couldn't see her as anything less than beautiful.  
  
Some time later, I sat in a classroom in Santa Fe. It had been several months since I had seen Jondy. She had gone into heat once since New York. I had come up to her and I hurried back to Santa Fe so Zack wouldn't find out.  
  
Her and I talked on the phone at least once a week. She didn't like Chicago. Her foster parents were really religious and they made her go to church. I didn't know what church was but from the way she described it, it was bad.  
  
I hated school. No, school I didn't mind. Cliff, I minded. He was the bully. He had a short neck and weighed more than any two of his friends combined. He looked tough, dumb but tough. He was worthless. No discipline. No honor. No intelligence.  
  
The bell rang for dismissal and I stood up. I went to my locker and packed up my books to go home. School was over and Jondy was to call tonight. I wanted to be home so I could get the call.  
  
I didn't notice him move up next to my locker until he slammed my locker shut. "If it isn't the Altar Boy..." He taunted in a low voice.  
  
I didn't honor that remark with an answer. I opened my locker again. This time Cliff pulled the door all the way open. He ripped out one of the pictures, one that Jondy had given me. I finally spoke, "Give that back."  
  
Cliff laughed, he towered over me by at least four inches but I was better than him. I'm a soldier. "Tell me Altar Boy, are you a good Catholic?"  
  
"I'm not Catholic." Ben replied, snatching out and grabbing the picture back. In truth, I didn't know what a Catholic was then. Hopefully it wasn't such a bad thing.  
  
"You're not Catholic but you've got pictures of her?" He asked, stating the obvious.  
  
"I have faith in her." I replied as I delicately returned the picture to the exact place it had been taken from.  
  
"You have faith in her?" Cliff asked laughing. "You're such a Fag."  
  
"Fag?" I asked to which Cliff laughed even harder.  
  
"A Fag, Queer, gay, homosexual. Where the hell have you been all your life?" Cliff said.  
  
"Someplace too good for you." I retorted.  
  
"Where your family gave you a tattoo and then dumped you?"  
  
"I ran away." I replied, getting angry. "My family loves me."  
  
"Did she tell you to?" Cliff joked.  
  
I couldn't take his disrespect anymore so I punched him. Cliff stumbled backwards, stunned and hit his head on a water fountain. He would never get up.  
  
I ran away then. I ran straight to Chicago. But when I got there, Jondy's foster parents told me that they had lost custody of her. I called her cell phone and through tears she told me that Zack had figured out what we were doing and he was sending her to Miami. I was to go to Utah. She was scared because she should be going into heat soon. With those words said, I left Chicago and I was down in Miami in two days.  
  
Perfectly on time. She was holding out waiting for me. She had spent the last couple hours in the shower waiting. This time we were less awkward before, during, and after. We had several new bite marks after and I was so happy to be with her. But again, my happiness would be ripped away by Zack.  
  
He came to check on Jondy, just missing her heat. He found me and literally dragged me to Utah. He changed the numbers on both of our phones, cutting us off from the other. I had no where else to turn but to the Lady. She would make things right somehow. 


	2. Chapter 2

~Chapter 2~  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own anything DA related, sorry. The song, "As Is" is property of Ani Difranco. The song is off the CD entitled "Little Plastic Castle". I found the pre-chorus very fitting for Ben, you'll see why.  
  
~~~~~~  
  
  
  
It would be years later that I would see Jondy. I would be eighteen. She would be sixteen. Some of her inner glow would have faded. I had run away from Utah and gone to Seattle to look for work. I found her almost instantly. I smelled her heat a mile away.  
  
I went into the bar. She was on a stage with three other girls. She saw me the instant I walked in. She continued to sing. The song finishes and the crowd clapped. Jondy smiled at me, the desire filling both of us. But she couldn't come down to me nor I to her.  
  
"This is our last song for the night." The other blond in the band said, "An old cover called As Is."  
  
The music started.  
  
You can't hide  
  
behind social graces  
  
so don't try  
  
to be all touchy feely.  
  
Cuz you lie  
  
in my face of all places  
  
but I got no  
  
problem with that really.  
  
What bugs me  
  
is that you believe what you're saying.  
  
What bothers me  
  
is that you don't know what you feel.  
  
What scares me  
  
is while you're telling me stories,  
  
you actually  
  
believe that they are real.  
  
I got no illusions about you.  
  
Guess what?  
  
I never did.  
  
When I said,  
  
when I said I'll take it  
  
I meant,  
  
I meant as is.  
  
Just give it up  
  
and admit you're an asshole.  
  
You would be  
  
in some good company,  
  
and I think you'd find  
  
that your friends would forgive you  
  
or maybe I  
  
am just speaking for me.  
  
When I look around  
  
I think this, this is good enough  
  
and I try to laugh  
  
at whatever life brings.  
  
Cuz when I look down  
  
I miss all the good stuff,  
  
and when I look up  
  
I just trip over things.  
  
I got no illusions about you.  
  
Guess what?  
  
I never did.  
  
When I said,  
  
when I said I'll take it  
  
I meant,  
  
I meant as is.  
  
Jondy sang and I couldn't help but think that the song was about me. But I didn't care, I wanted her more than anything and the longer we had to wait, the more I felt ready to explode.  
  
After the song two of her band mates pulled her off the stage. I growled, Jondy was MINE and they were taking her from *me*. I hurried back stage and by the time I got there she was gone. I followed her scent around town. She was in a cheep hotel that reeked of sex, doing pushups and trying to focus on anything but her urges and the overwhelming scent of the room. Her guitar laid against the wall next to a suitcase with scattered clothes.  
  
She must have smelled that it was me because she ripped open the door a second after I knocked and she pushed me to her bed, "I knew you would come." She said as the passion filled us.  
  
This was the best we had ever had. We were both mature now. She was much more experienced than I was. She had been the only girl I had ever been with and she went into heat four times a year for several days.  
  
Several hours and bite marks later she laid next to me in the bed, "I missed you Ben."  
  
"I missed you too Jondy."  
  
She pulled herself on top of me, she didn't smell like heat but she wanted to sleep with me. It started out slow and delicate as her and I were in control but soon her pheromones began to build and we gave in to our animalistic side.  
  
Days later she was done and laying next to me, I could feel her against me even though I was most of the way asleep.  
  
"Ben, we've got to go." She whispered and crawled out of bed.  
  
I groaned and rolled over. "Why?"  
  
"I promised Zack."  
  
"He's not here."  
  
"Max is."  
  
I sat up in a bolt and looked at Jondy. She looked sad about this, "She's here? Why aren't you excited?"  
  
"She didn't recognize me." Jondy said fighting back against tears, "Besides I've got another gig in Sacramento in a few days, the others are coming. Not everyone but the ones who live in Cali."  
  
I stared at her in shock, "Who?"  
  
"Syl and probably Krit, Zane, Brin, and Grix."  
  
I instantly was out of bed and pulling my clothes on. She smiled when she saw me pull on my necklace and I noticed she was wearing her jacket, it was getting thread bare but it fit her much better than it did three years ago.  
  
Jondy drove down to San Jose, where she was living, and when we got there she changed into tight black pants, a very form fitting blue shirt, and a leather jacket. She packed again and we headed to LA.  
  
It was evening when we got there. She drove straight to a club and we got out. The bouncer obviously knew her because he waved us through without charge. Jondy walked straight up to a table with a Latino boy, an Asain girl, a blond girl, a brunette girl, and a dark haired guy with a lopsided smile.  
  
"Worried you weren't gonna show baby sister." The dark haired girl said. I forced myself to remember who they were but I couldn't be certain.  
  
"I had to pick up a straggler. Ben. Lemme reintroduce you to Krit, Brin, Syl, Grix, and Zane."  
  
Brin was out of her chair instantly with her arms around me. She held me tightly. When she let go, Syl wrapped her arms around me and from behind me Grix grabbed on. When they let go, I stuck my hand out to Zane, "Not in this family." He said as he hugged me. Krit's hug was the most brief, "Good to see you Ben."  
  
Jondy gave the girls a quick hug and took up a seat between Syl and Grix. "You guys get any food?"  
  
"Nope." Grix said and she playfully pushed Jondy, "We were waiting for someone."  
  
"Someone who should have showered." Syl said with a face. "You smell like sex and your car."  
  
"Excuuuuuse me." Jondy said, "I just got out of heat and drove straight down."  
  
Zane looked to me and smiled. He clapped me on the shoulder, "Lucky bastard."  
  
Everyone at the table laughed, except for Syl and Jondy. They faked it. I could tell when Jondy faked it and her and Syl looked a little alike. It was easy to read Syl too.  
  
A waitress came up with a round of shot glasses and enough mugs of beer for our table. Jondy took her shot, "Who wants to dance?" she asked looking at me.  
  
"I don't dance." I said looking away.  
  
"Let's go Jondy." Zane said an instant after I denied her.  
  
Syl and Brin and I were the only three left at the table after Grix literally pulled Krit out there. We watched them for a minute. Krit had a lopsided grin as Grix danced with him. I tried not to look at Jondy and Zane who were clearly the two most provocative dancers on the floor. His hand held on to her waist as their hips grinded together. Her hands in his hair.  
  
"I'm going to the bathroom." I announced and I got up. I didn't go to the bathroom but I wanted to hear Syl and Brin's thoughts on what was happening. And of course they started chatting.  
  
"That's so disgusting." Syl said to Brin.  
  
"You don't seem to mind when it's you and Krit doing the same thing." Brin retorted.  
  
Syl took a drink of her beer, "She's become a good liar."  
  
"That wasn't Ben?" Brin asked.  
  
"Of course it was." Syl said shaking her head, "But she's good at pretending everything's ok."  
  
Brin didn't speak for a second. "Why wouldn't it be?"  
  
Syl took another drink and leaned in. "You promise to not tell anyone, not even her?"  
  
"Like I talk to her anyway. But yeah, of course I promise."  
  
Syl paused, looked over to Jondy with sad eyes, "She miscarried."  
  
Brin froze and my blood turned cold. Brin uttered the word I was thinking, "What?"  
  
"After Miami she was brought down to San Jose and we ran into each other. She was freaking out because she was pregnant. Worried that Zack wouldn't let her keep it. I didn't want her to, she was a kid... she still is. As much as she tries to hide it, she's still the youngest... But anyway, I moved near her to help her through the pregnancy. She all but carried it to term, then like week before her due date she had a seizure. I was gone and she couldn't get up. It nearly killed her and it did kill the baby.  
  
"My god." Brin said softly, "Is that why her eyes are always dark?"  
  
"Yeah." Syl said taking another drink.  
  
"Who's was it?"  
  
"She won't tell me. She's told me everything except about this mystery guy who she went to in heat. I think it was Zack's personally. It was white."  
  
"Doesn't mean it was Zack's." Brin said defensively. "I could sleep with Krit and we could have a white kid... not that I would... but our genes.."  
  
"Yeah, I know." Syl said sighing. "I know she's slept with an X5. She's got the same bite scars we've got. A lot of them."  
  
Brin took a drink. "Was it before or after Zane?"  
  
"Before Zane." Syl said, "She didn't start sleeping with him until after she lost the child."  
  
"Boy or girl?"  
  
"Girl. She had already decided on a name. Ava Jaquielline Bramville. For Eva, Jack, and Bram. Everyone that died before the escape."  
  
I closed my eyes as I remembered Eva getting shot, Manticore guards dragging Jack away, and hearing of Syl's accidental shooting of Bram.  
  
Brin shook her head sadly, they both turned to look out at Zane and Jondy. Her hand was now draped around his neck, fingering his barcode. His eyes were closed in pleasure. "She was really good at names."  
  
"She would have been a good mother, really woul have given Tinga a run for her money." Syl said trying to make Brin smile.  
  
It was slightly successful, Brin's lips turned up slightly. "She would have, even as the youngest she looked out for everyone."  
  
Grix and Krit, returned to the table, both energetic. "Sorry about stealin' your man," Grix said. "I just had to g-g-g-get my freak on."  
  
Syl shook her head and smiled slightly, "You are a freak, Grix."  
  
Grix stuck her tongue out playfully and sat down. Krit moved over to Syl and kissed the top of her head, "You hungry at all?"  
  
I decided to move back to the table at this time. When I sat down, I realized everyone was looking at my necklace. It had come out from under my shirt. Syl swallowed, "You still believe?"  
  
"Of course." I said shocked, "Don't you guys?"  
  
None of them said anything, Jondy and Zane came back quickly. He was playing with her belt loops, his body touching as much of hers as he could manage, and they were both sweaty, "I'm tired, we're gonna go to sleep." Jondy said.  
  
Everyone nodded, fully knowing that Jondy didn't sleep. Her and Zane were leaving to go sleep together.  
  
"Where am I supposed to go?" I asked.  
  
"Krit?" Jondy asked, looking to Krit. Shit, she couldn't even look at me.  
  
"Sure. You can crash with me." Krit said.  
  
Zane pulled Jondy into his arms and nibbled against her barcode. She nearly fell over in extacy. I wanted to rip his head off.  
  
"Bye guys." She managed and the two of them left.  
  
I picked up by beer and took a long drink, finishing off my mug. I grabbed both Jondy and Zane's and finished theirs. The other four watched me.  
  
Grix looked to Brin, concern in her eyes. Brin nodded. "Let's go hang out someplace else." She suggested.  
  
"Whatever." I said dispassionately.  
  
Everyone got up and Syl locked arms with me and put her head on my shoulder. If she had been taller, I could have pretended she was Jondy. But Jondy was several inches taller even though she was almost two years younger.  
  
Grix walked on the other side of me, Brin beside her and Krit behind us. Some guys in the bar looked at me jealously. Three attractive girls were walking with me but I didn't care. The one I wanted was off fucking my own brother. She hadn't even looked at me.  
  
We headed back to Grix's apartment. Her and Brin were talking about switching houses. Grix wanted to be further north, in San Francisco and Brin wanted to be in LA. Krit moved up next to Syl and took her hand. She held tight to me, as though I might blow away in the wind.  
  
Grix had a nice place, lots of places to sit. I sat in a recliner, Krit and Syl on one couch and Brin and Grix on the other. Syl looked to me, "Tell a story, like old times?" She asked, her voice childlike.  
  
I swallowed hard, "I don't do that anymore."  
  
"Please." Grix asked. Brin smiled too.  
  
"Fine." I said. I leaned forward and put my feet on the ground, "About what?"  
  
"Just like when we were kids. I missed your stories." Krit said.  
  
I nodded, understanding. I pulled my necklace out and all of their eyes were instantly attacted to it. "Only the good soldiers go to the Good Place. The Good Place is everything we want it to be. We're all together and happy just like when we were young. Nobody cries, nobody dies, and nobody shouts orders. Any kind of food you want to eat is there and you get to have as much of it as you want. And when you love someone, they love you back. There's no pain. The Lady, she watches over us, protects us from pain and danger and people who want to hurt you. We're safe to show our barcodes because Lydecker can't go to the Good Place."  
  
Syl started to drift to sleep, a happy smile on her face. Grix and Brin held onto each other like when they were kids. Krit smiled and played with Syl's hair as she started to sleep. Somewhere in my head I was able to make them younger in my head.  
  
"Don't worry Ben, it's our nature to do this." I heard Jondy's voice to speak in my head. I started thinking about other things in our nature. Soldier stuff. Hunting, Seek and Destroy, Escape and Evade.  
  
"And there's no Nomlies, we get to be what we were trained to be." I spoke, "We don't have to fight our nature. We can be who we want to be and not be afraid of capture."  
  
Grix started to straighten up, obviously thinking about the Nomlie in the woods. No. He wasn't a Nomlie, he was a prisoner with a tattoo. Not a Nomlie.  
  
I stopped speaking, "I don't want to do anymore."  
  
Brin frowned, she always loved the stories. She had been a good soldier, all of us had been. Soldiers. We were soldiers not ordinary people. We aren't civilians.  
  
Krit looked over. "I still have nightmares from that day." He said, he knew what I was talking about too.  
  
"Why?" I asked. I had dreams about it but they never scared me. They always comforted me.  
  
"We tore a guy apart." He said with a disgusted voice.  
  
"Stop." Syl begged, waking up, "Don't talk about that."  
  
"Why not?" I asked, getting upset. "It's in our nature, it's who we are."  
  
"We were scared children who slaughtered a man because we didn't understand." Grix said her voice angry.  
  
"We're soldiers!" I shouted.  
  
"Not any more." Brin shouted back. "We stopped the second we ran away."  
  
"We gave up on her." I replied. "You still want to believe. You just said so when you asked me to tell the story."  
  
"Christ Ben, it wasn't the story it was *you* telling it." Krit said.  
  
"You're just too scared to want to believe anymore." I said softly and I got up, "I'll make you believe."  
  
Krit got up with me, "You're just mad at Jondy. Don't take it out on us."  
  
I glared at him. He knew it exactly. I looked away, "I'm tired."  
  
"You can crash here," Grix offered, a small smile on her face. "I've got plenty of space."  
  
I nodded and went to her guest room and laid down. None of the others followed me. I heard them talking about how I acted, about Jondy and Zane, but I didn't care. I took my necklace off and held it up so I could look at it. It caught a little ray a reflected light and I sighed, "I will make them believe again. All of them." I said and then I put the necklace back on and rolled over and fell asleep. 


End file.
